The Best Advice I Received, When I Went Through My Divorce.
Sunday, January 17, 2021
Rarely do adults
actually prepare the youth for marriage by telling them the bitter truth- that
it isn’t always sunshine and butterflies. But even more rare do you ever hear
any advice for if you find yourself in the predicament of divorce. The dreaded
D word. It almost sounds like profanity and it definitely took my breath away
every time I said it out loud in my regards to my own life situation...and not
in the good way either. I felt like I got the wind knocked out of me. It felt
like a literal nightmare and I was desperately looking for clues to find a way
to wake up. But alas, this was my bitter reality…divorce after a year and a
half of marriage and with toddler in tow. And although I will talk more in
other posts about what, why and how everything happened, i want to talk about
the best advice I received when I decided to separate and get a divorce.
Fortunately and
unfortunately, a very close friend of mine was getting a divorce around the
same exact time. I say fortunately, because I truly believe God brought people
in my journey to help me along and so I didn’t feel so alone and vice versa. My
friend is also 10 years older than me and because of that, she’s met and
befriended a lot of women who also went through a divorce...which is some
wisdom that I didn’t have access to at the time, I was only in my 20s..I knew
no one my age with the same fate. So, like I said, I considered myself fortunate.
My wonderful friend
shared with me the BEST piece of advice, that ended up helping me so much...
she told me "Delia, promise me one thing right now- SWEAR TO ME, that you
will never ever start drinking during this divorce process." I laughed
because we both knew I was NOT a drinker at all, I rarely drank alcohol and
always mixed my wine with juice if I did. But she insisted and grabbed me
sternly and said "Do not under estimate the loneliness and the pain. Many
women destroy themselves by drinking and some end up dead from drinking and
driving" To be honest, I never looked into that to see if it’s actually
true...but she was right, I under estimated the loneliness and the pain that
was to come. I braced myself for impact. At that moment in time, I was so
thrilled and relieved to have escaped my abusive marriage that I didn’t even
think of what the healing process would look like. i was too busy trying to
catch my breath, I hadn’t taken a look around me yet at the damage and the
rebuilding that I would have to do.
Those words became in
grained my brain. I never forgot them and took them very seriously. I haven’t
met "divorced Delia" yet and I didn’t know what she would be liked. I
had choices to make about how i could handle my divorce. I could deflect from
the pain and drink until I was numb or i could've stayed sober minded and
sorted through the carnage and truly heal in a healthy way. And believe me, at
that moment i realized that I could see myself going down that road because it’s
slippery and enticing. I don’t judge anyone for going down this road; divorce
is the most soul crushing life experience. But my wish is that we would learn
from each other and heed the warnings from women with life experience. I asked
God so many times, WHY ME. It just didn’t seem fair. Now I see the value in my
life experience and all I want to do is share my wisdom in hopes that it would
help another woman.
Going through a
divorce can be extremely dark and lonely. You are used to sharing your life
with another person, and often times, the loneliest times come at night time...
I implore you, don’t drink. Even if you’ve never had a problem before...don’t
start. You can do this and you will get over the mountain of pain in front of
you. You will heal and you will come out of this so proud of yourself.
So that’s the best
advice I’ve received, what was yours? Comment below! I asked a facebook group
of women the same question and here are a few of the responses below!
“From experience: raising your children to love both parents
and sharing custody equally is more important than the reason you got divorced.
Never fight with your former spouse (or complain about them) in front of your
children. Focus on your child’s point of view. Make sure your kids know that no
matter what they will not be abandoned. They will always be picked up from
school etc no matter who is picking up. I am a Mom to 1 and step-Mom to two.
Divorce is like mourning a death. Take the time to process and allow yourself
to feel the feels.”
“I was divorced at 26 with three kids under 8.
Divorce is so hard. On everyone.
A couple things I decided early on that would not be negotiable:
1. Bite your tongue. Decide which hills you’ll die on. I have
very few. The kids will see the difference quickly. Different is not bad.
2. Keep your side of the street clean. You control YOU. they
control them.
3. Time heals many wounds but therapy will speed that up.
4. True Love is only possible when you love yourself first
5. Mind your manners and be cordial whenever in public together.
Your children who are half of BOTH of you are watching very diligently.”
“The best thing I was told was
to allow yourself to grieve like it is a death because it is. It’s the death of
the life you had pictured for yourself, it’s the death of *those* specific
family dreams. In my case, I loved my ex husband very much, it was the death of
a lot of growing-old plans.
Also, healing is NOT a linear process. Don’t expect it to be.”
“My dad would tell me each day do one thing
for your divorce then nap. Every day. It helped me so much to do that.”
“Some advice I would give is
• you have to FEEL it to heal it. Let yourself hurt and feel
those emotions. If you just bury it, you won't TRULY heal
• also, don't use your children as pawns, talk about the other parent (you may not love them anymore, but your child DOES) or rely on them for emotional support. Go to therapy and treat the ex like a business file. No emotion. Just get the needful done and onward!”
“Half a day at a time”